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HE GOES TO FREAKIN’ HARVARD AND NOW HE HAS HIS OWN FREAKIN’ BLOG!

http://eliaswentworth.wordpress.com

ELIAS WENTWORTH III ON EDUCATION

Today I had the misfortune of getting sucked into listening to one of my intellectually inferior liberal arts acquaintances expound upon the merits of different types of degrees across a broad range of academic fields. After hearing her grossly misguided and surprisingly incomprehensible (she’s a literature major) chitter-chatter on the subject, I thought I’d set things straight by addressing the question: Are all academic degrees created equal?

The answer is quite simply: Hell to the motherf#$%ing no.

To give you an idea of the rough order of things, I’ve ranked some common academic qualifications based on a comprehensive set of metrics, including but not limited to ballerness, earnings potential, social position, difficulty, and degree of pragmatism. Here are the best 4 and worst 4.

BEST

1. SB/SM/PhD Double Major in Econometrics and Mathematical Finance – It doesn’t get any better or more baller than this. The combo of math and econometrics is unstoppable. Goldman Sachs banking analysts will bow down in your presence. At the minimum, you’re going to be launched directly into a $300k+ job at a quantitative fund like DE Shaw. If you’re lucky, you might end up like James Simmons. Where to get it: Princeton, Columbia, University of Chicago, MIT, LSE

2. AB/MBA Double Major in Finance and Strategy – Whether it’s your goal to descend to incompetence in management consulting or rise to prominence in high finance, this degree will get you there. A word of warning however: do not ever take a Masters in Management degree posing as an MBA. It is one of the biggest crocks of shit ever invented and is

a one way ticket to mediocrity. Where to get it: Harvard, Stanford, Columbia, Wharton, INSEAD

3. MD Cardiology/Cardiothoracic Surgery or Neurosurgery – Performing some of the most difficult surgical procedures known to man and engaging in cutting edge research makes this degree look incredible on your resume. Oh, and saving lives. Where to get it: Johns Hopkins, UPenn, University of Washington, UCLA, Duke

4. LLB/JD M&A Advisory – This degree places you among the ranks of Herb Wachtell and Martin Lipton. Not only will you join prestigious ranks of white-shoe corporate lawyers, you’ll also have a great shot at CEO of a major corporation one day. Where to get it: Yale, Harvard, Stanford, Columbia, University of Chicago, Oxford

WORST

1. BA Comparative Literature – You know how I mentioned that the Masters in Management is one of the most useless degrees ever? Well, a comparative literature degree is the undisputed grandaddy of all crocks of shit. When I can pretend to be a comparative literature scholar and teach a masters level course without anyone realizing I have no idea what I am talking about tells me this degree is a complete waste of 5 years (I’m assuming here that the average comp. lit. student lack both the mental capacity and willpower to complete the degree in 4 years).

2. BA Women and Gender Studies – Before you get your panties in a bunch… actually you know what, go ahead and get your panties up in a bunch. Women and Gender Studies is arguably the most pointless subject in academia. Women studying women for the benefit of women is about as productive as George W. Bush trying to formulate an educated opinion about foreign policy.

3. BA History – 99.98% of the population does not give a flying Ronald Reagan fuck about whether a 16th century manuscript indicates that there was a flood in that particular year. What can we learn from history? Stop letting so many minds go to waste studying this useless subject.

4. BA Communications – If you need to attend a formal academic institution to learn how to communicate in any capacity then I suggest you visit this site: http://www.job-applications.com/mcdonalds-application/

- Elias Wenthworth III

[INTERVIEW LEAKED] Interview with ELIAS WENTWORTH III

This douche had a strange way of impressing us.

——

Tell us about yourself.

F*ck you. My apologies for the vulgar language but I see that you are speechless. My life story would have achieved the same effect, but I’ve just saved you 5 minutes of your time. You’re welcome.

Why do you want to be a part of Foxtrot UBC?

Why does a doctor save a stranger having a heart attack on the street?

Tell me about a time you had a conflict in a team and how you resolved it

While on the Harvard Blackjack Team, I had a disagreement with a fellow team member about how $200,000 of our private winnings should be distributed between us. Finally, I told her to have it all which she happily accepted, then challenged her to a high stakes poker game. I now have the $200,000. She remains my girlfriend today, but now owes me $75,000.

Tell me about a time when you demonstrated exemplary leadership qualities?

While on a private tour of the Goldman Sachs principal strategies desk trading area, I bullied two junior traders into entering and exiting a series of delta neutral positions that netted a profit of over $15 million.

What qualifies you for this position?

IQ 178, SAT 2400, LSAT 180, GMAT 800

What prior blogging/writing experiences have you had?

I have no blogging experience. I am not a liberal arts major with too much time on his hands. I have, however, written several articles for the Harvard Business Review under various aliases.

What is your greatest weakness?

It would be impossible for me to name a greatest weakness when I have none at all.

Do you have any questions for us?

Yes. Why should I lower my standards to join your team?